World’s Most Uncomfortable Barstool
Published by Bill September 26th, 2006 in I Need a Drink.We’re your customers. That’s right, we pay your bills – so listen up. Why are your barstools so uncomfortable? Do you really want us to jump ship and move to another bar where we can adjust our attitude in comfort? Before you defend your barstools, sit in one for thirty minutes without getting up. Do you feel relieved to get up, or do you want to order another toddy and kick back.
There are thousands of attempts at barstool design – meaning no barstool designer has yet gotten it right. Barstool design is a classic case of function forgotten by form. It is obvious to us, just by inspection (even more so by imperiling our posteriors), that barstools are designed and selected for appearance – not for our comfort. Somewhere there has to be an annual international competition for “The World’s Most Uncomfortable Barstool.†Judges would sit designers in their own creations and observe their pained expressions to establish each barstool’s discomfort index. A perennial winner must to be the grape-pattern cast iron barstool: cast iron legs, cast iron seat, cast iron arms and cast iron back. It takes two people to move one of these horrors, and the discomfort index is just below “The Iron Maiden†used in the Spanish Inquisition.
Some importance has to be attached to the type of bar you operate. All bars can be lumped into three categories: 1) drinking bars, including those that serve some food; 2) holding-tanks for restaurant diners waiting to be seated; 3) body shops whose denizens prowl for companionship.
Body shop barstools require the least comfort. Sitting too long in a body shop might be construed negatively and be self defeating in our quest for Mr. or Ms. Goodbar. Hence, we must mingle – not stake a bar claim. An uncomfortable barstool is a reminder to move out into the melee.
Comfortable barstools offer commercial opportunity for restaurant holding-tank bars. Given a comfy spot to cozy up to your bar, some of us might migrate to and nest in your operation during happy hour and when there is no restaurant wait. This extra income might pay for comfortable barstools.
We insist on comfortable barstools in drinking bars. Without delving into the psychological manifestations, your drinking bar exists so we can escape from whatever is bugging us. We come to you for relief. Whether the relief comes from a bottle, from companionship, or from solitude – escaping reality is impossible when your barstool keeps hounding our heinies back into real time.
Since designers have yet to produce the perfect barstool, we will give you a shopping list of features for you as a bar operator to look for when replacing your barstools.
1) Large, soft padded seat – essential! A real positive for the plentiful posterior.
2) Soft padded back – prevents back pain. Don’t bother with a barstool back unless it’s comfortable.
3) Swivel seat – prevents neck pain when talking to or ogling the person next to us.
4) Arms – nice, but optional. They take up room and might debilitate another bar patron if we swivel suddenly.
5) Adjustable footrest – prevents leg cramps while dangling in midair.
6) Roller casters – make it easy to pull ourselves up to the bar. Also useful for wheeling overly relaxed patrons out to a cab.
Then of course, there is the one style barstool as yet not attempted – The Recliner! The first bar with reclining barstools will become a tourist attraction.
3 Responses to “World’s Most Uncomfortable Barstool”
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Hon, haven’t you noticed that chairs of all categories aren’t designed by any humans I have ever seen? People whose small of their back is way up in the middle of their back? People whose small of their back is convex not concave? People who think comfort is not allowed during cocktail hour, in rental cars, at synagogues or on airplanes, just to create a short list? As for barstools, maybe they think you’ll be anaesthesized by the alcohol and not notice the pain.
The barstools aren’t the issue.
A good bartender will allow a person to sit on a spike. The success or failulre of a good bar is not the stool. A great bar is built on a great bartender.
Some of my best meals have been full service dinners while seated at a bar. They can be very special!
I hate bar stools. If I have to sit on one, it had darned well better have a back, not weigh 389 lbs., and not be anywhere near the wait station, the beer taps, or the sink. Height also comes into play. Who says that bars have to be 4 1/2 feet tall?
Come to think of it, the perfect bar stools are in the Carousel Bar at the Hotel Monteleone in New Orleans (French Quarter). They have backs, are bolted down, are conventional table-top height, and did I mention that the entire set up revolves so that the view is always changing?